Why the Waffle Iron is Nerdkind’s Greatest Tool

“…nothing in the world is harder than convincing someone of an unfamiliar truth.”

Patrick RothfussThe Wise Man’s Fear

Your Delusion:

So you’ve never used a waffle iron. But, you know some nerds and they haven’t used one either so in all likelihood this must mean that we are wrong. You probably think the microwave is real cool.

Our rebuttal: 

First, you are reading this on the internet. It’s a well known fact that everything you read on the internet is true.

Second, we have pictures.1

Third, our true argument can be found below. It shall be referred to as The Iron (Waffle) Law. If you’d like to trust that it is indeed a good argument, you can be on your merry way filled with this newfound knowledge. Otherwise, let’s do this.

Cinnamon RollsBaconPizza

1 Here they are.

Cinnamon Rolls. BACON. Pizza.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

The Iron (Waffle) Law:

This law states that whatever object provides the easiest, quickest and most affordable method to create the least messy and most useful form of food shall be named “Nerdkind’s Greatest Tool.”

Though this is a rather specific rule, and doesn’t leave much room for debate, we will break it down further.

So,  the categories we are most concerned with are:

  • ease of use
  • cooking time
  • cost of item
  • resulting form of food
  • clean up
  • space needed

Let’s score the waffle iron, and some of it’s competition with these in mind.

Oven: Not exactly hard, but not really easy, either. Takes a while to cook anything. Stupid expensive if you don’t have one already. Food comes in the shape you put it in, which is usually pan shaped and large. Clean up is tedious and long. They’re also quite big and inefficient.

Microwave: Easy to use, and doesn’t take too long. They’re not overly cheap, especially compared to a $30 waffle iron. Takes up a bit more space than should be necessary in this day and age. Microwaved meals just never taste that great. Food will come out “alien” for lack of a better word. It’s more of a reheating tool than an actual cooking method. Cleaning is frustrating.

SkilletDecently cheap, not overly hard to use but requires constant attention and a small amount of skill. It’ll take a fair bit longer than a microwave or waffle iron, and it won’t cook very evenly in comparison. Usually small and easy to clean, so there is that.

Crockpot/Rice CookerCan be cheap, but even the smallest is still not very small. They take a fairly long time to cook in comparison, though you can just hit “play” and let it do its thing. Next to the waffle iron, this should be your second place purchase. It’s great for soups or larger amounts of food. Cleaning can be a pain depending what you cook, unless you have some liners.

WAFFLE IRONThe King. You can make pretty much anything (besides soup) in one of these. It’s perfect for a single serving meal, which is important for when you aren’t hosting a group. It’s quick. It’s cheap. It’s easy. (We promise, this is not our ideal woman, no matter what they say). Along with all of this, think about that waffled texture on everything. You may as well call it an equal surface distribution sauce holder. Or waffling, like a normal person. Whatever floats your boat. Everything that comes out of this worthy tool will be holdable, warm and unburnt, fully cooked, and fully delicious.2

So simple to clean, you won’t even realize you’re finished doing so. It’s pretty embarrassing this isn’t the preferred method of cooking for everyone already. Barely takes up any storage space.

Moving Forward:

If you come up with any good waffle recipes, feel free to send them over. If you still aren’t convinced, feel free to give us a shout and we may be swayed to cook you something with a waffle iron, or somethings until you are convinced and vote us in as king at the next election.

2. We bear no responsibility towards the complete ineptitude required to burn your waffle iron products. You only have yourself to blame if you can’t pause a game for 15 seconds to treat yo self to a delicious waffled food item.

(Written in conjunction with Harketh)

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